The MarySue Handbook To Surviving Hogwarts
by butterflye
Summary: Are you a Mary-Sue? Have you been accepted to Hogwarts? Then this is the Handbook for you! Learn how to make friends, get that sexxyy boi, and remain etched in JKR's fan's minds FOREVER.


**Hello!** **Ok, first and foremost, this is a PARODY. Please, please don't take it seriously. Or Siriusly, for that matter (ok, someone please hit me for that). Secondly, if you're writing a Mary Sue...well, what can I say? Hope you're following the guide! :) (oh, and thanks to **_**grab bag**_**, who did a great guide for "Holes", and inspired this!)**

_**Disclaimer:**__I'm totally not JK Rowling. Wish I was, though. She's awesome. _

**The Mary-Sue Handbook to surviving Hogwarts**

Hi there! If you are reading this handbook, then you are currently sitting in the "Mary-Sue compartment" of the Hogwarts Express. If you're not a Mary-Sue, put this book down NOW. If you are a Mary-Sue, keep reading, this'll help you in many a way including the following:

Use your girly charms to get out of dangerous and/or emotionally harmful situations. How to survive in a school full of canonicity. Get the Hogwarts student/teacher of your choice! How to cast spells and live to tell the tale of Double Potions!

We have put many hours and efforts into making this handbook as helpful and accurate as possible. If you manage to finish this (and feel free to take it with you, we replenish the stock after every September 1st!), then we're convinced that when your time at Hogwarts is over, you'll be able to say in full confidence "I made it as an HP Mary Sue!"

To make the most of this handbook, we first need to establish who you are at Hogwarts. Please choose from one of the following Mary Sue subtypes:

Basic Mary-Sue

One of the most common types of Mary Sue at Hogwarts. Is usually born to Muggles, or at least adopted by them. Her story often rivals that of Harry Potter. Usually identifiable by her lack of grammar and poor vocabulary (but some are quite good at hiding this). She usually finds herself with one of the Golden Trio(usually Harry or Ron, but sometimes Hermione), Sirius Black or Tom Riddle Jr., strangely enough. Is, in parodies, usually described as having exotic coloured hair, a ridiculous Japanese or hyphenated name, and the love or hate of everyone around her. But mostly we think they're reading the wrong guide. Is generally in Gryffindor.

Mary-Jane (or Slytherin-Sue)

The other most common type of Mary Sue at Hogwarts. She is almost always a tough tomboy or a sexpot with a bad attitude. She has almost always been expelled from every other wizarding school, and has been thus Sorted into Slytherin. She usually finds herself with Draco Malfoy, Snape (*shudder*), or Harry Potter. Strangely enough, she's not usually parodied. We think it's because they're afraid of her.

Peggy-Sue (or Hufflepuff-Sue)

Unlike Mary-Jane and Mary-Sue, Peggy-Sue is shy and timid, and therefore is almost always Sorted into Hufflepuff. But don't let her shy demeanor fool you, she's a wild thang on the inside! Err...maybe not. Anyway, she usually has had a terrible past, which she will keep hidden. This often contributes to her shyness. She's identifiable by her ability to connect with ANYONE. She generally finds herself with Tom Riddle Jr (comforting him, we imagine), Draco Malfoy, or Barty Crouch Jr (which in itself is an incentive to be a Peggy-Sue).

The Relative

Usually Voldemort's daughter, although sometimes Harry's long-lost sister, or Dumbledore and McGonagall's daughter (even though Dumbly's gay. Who said it had to be canon?). If she's a daughter, especially of Voldy, she finds herself with Harry. There are no exceptions to this rule. If she's Harry's sister, she has usually been transported into the past and fallen in love with Tom Riddle Jr/Sirius Black.

Canon-Sue (aka Hermione-Sue or Ginny-Sue)

Is more common than you'd think, actually. Has usually fallen off the canon bandwagon and gone completely OOC (what does that mean, anyway?). This Sue has usually turned goth (and depressed), especially after having gone to visit a gothic cousin and having "liked the look". She usually ends up with Draco Malfoy or Blaise Zabini(we're not sure who **this** guy is...but we're sure he's hott!). These stories are usually open to "goffs" only and "prepz" are NOT allowed the read them(not matter what!!). They generally involve copious amounts of misspelled swear words and self-harm.

**Exceptions**

If you don't fall into any of these categories you are either:

a) A Boy

Please see The Gary-Stu Handbook for Surviving Hogwarts

b) A Girl

If you are a girl, and not a Mary-Sue, you should have left by now. If you haven't please do so immediately and also see The Handbook to Surviving Hogwarts While Staying In Canon: The Fangirl Edition

Now that you've chosen your character, feel free to peruse the handbook, or simply skip straight to the parts that pertain to you. The Hogwarts Express has now departed from Platform 9 3/4. Enjoy the trip!


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